Living Without Her
by sasuke fanatic1
Summary: Oneshot. He never thought he would miss her, let alone crave for her presence. But he had to face facts she was gone while he still resided in life, and he still had things to take care of. [Spoilers are present]


* * *

He missed her.

He wouldn't admit it out loud, but his heart and soul knew it was true. He never thought there would be a day when he yearned to hear her voice call out his name. Nor would he have believed if he had been told beforehand that she would come to mean so much to him. Sure, she was a teammate, a friend he could console in when he needed someone to talk to. He always had his blonde friend of course, but it wasn't the same when he talked to him. Besides, he seemed to be spending most of his time these days with the Hyuuga heiress, as if the blonde was avoiding him as much as he could. It made sense; they both had lost her, and felt incomplete without her. They needed their space for awhile.

He looked to his side as he walked the streets as if expecting her to be at his side like she always had been. He knew she wouldn't be, but it never hurt to look. It was like he was going crazy, always hoping she'd show up with her cheery attitude to bring him out of this sulking, but her absence was what caused it in the first place. How was he supposed to go on now that she was gone? He felt angry with himself, telling himself that he didn't need her, that she had just been a burden to him anyway. If only that were true, then he wouldn't be having such a hard time dealing with this.

He could feel the heavy glares from the villagers as he walked the streets. He was used to the fact they would never trust him again, not after betraying them to go to the Sound Village. And add to the fact most of them thought it was his fault that she had died. He couldn't blame them, he himself knew that much was true.

It was his fault that the girl with the endearing smile had left this world. The girl whose positive attitude and soothing nature had touched the hearts of the people around her. The girl with the warm emerald eyes that shone as brightly as the sun and the hair that was as beautiful as her namesake. The girl he had found annoying and forever pestering. A thorn prickling his side that was what he had always thought of her. The girl he had called weak, and not worthy of being a kunoichi. A nuisance, loud, forever aggravating, and only in the way. The young woman who had proved him wrong by gaining strength while he was on his conquest for selfish power. She had matured, had bloomed to her full potential.

She was the same girl that had been one of his many fan girls when they were in the academy, who had been infatuated with him when they were placed on the same team. The girl that had managed to subside his craving for blood when he had received the Cursed Seal in the Death Forest. The girl that always worried for his safety and well being. The girl who had begged him to stay when he left to obtain power from Orochimaru, the girl who was willing to give up her life to help with his revenge. The girl who had cried many tears for his sake and all she had been awarded with was two words of gratitude.

He couldn't respond to her feelings, it was all he could give her. He had lost his ability to love when his brother had killed their family all those years ago. And he had only lived with the purpose of avenging their meaningless deaths by taking his brother's life. It didn't matter how he would obtain the power; all that mattered to him was that that man died. The opportunity arose when Orochimaru had offered him such power. So he left his teammates, the people he had come to cherish, in order to receive this power.

Two-and-a-half years after his departure, they would meet again on different terms this time, as enemies. His emotions had been lost during those years, learning to thrive on his own without them, knowing that if he cared his weaknesses would be revealed. He no longer held any ties to people. He was power-craved, all that mattered to him was his revenge.

He had obtained mastery of Sharingan, had learned all of its secrets. He had learned to wield a sword that could generate his Chidori through it, numbing the body along with impacting injury. He had been prepared to kill his best friend in order to obtain even more power. He had learned the existence of the Kyuubi within his friend, finally understanding where the boy had gotten his mysterious jolts of strength. He had been willing to attack her as well if she had gotten in the way. He would have willingly given his body to the devil, and would have done so over and over again if need be. He just didn't care anymore. He wouldn't regret anything he did if it contributed to his mission. Or so it seemed that way. Even though it seemed that he would finally obtain what he had desired at long last, his teammates had managed to drag him back to his childhood home, on their second attempt to bring him back. They had saved him from the clutches of the slimy snake, as they had put it.

There were times, quite often actually, that he thought about their time as Team 7 when it first formed. Sure, they had been uncooperative with each other at first, but once they got passed that, they made quite the team. But that had all changed, of course, when he left.

They knew things could never be the same as before, all of what they used to have together had been lost when he decided to turn his back to them. But they managed to build up their relationships steadily and slowly. His male teammate would constantly watch him, making sure he wouldn't take a run for it. Tension was formed between the best friends, neither trusting the other, as much as they wanted to. But their female friend attempted to make things better with her cheery attitude. There was progress, she made a crack in the ice, but didn't manage to break it. Though they had been reunited, they had their differences, differences that caused the heavy atmosphere whenever they got together. They each had things they wanted, needed even, to accomplish before they could once again be a true team. And each person's needs were far different.

But she never gave up on their broken ties to one another. She remained loyal and true to both of her teammates, offering full support to the blonde male. Being the blonde's friend, she even pushed the boy to find the timid girl that had always admired him, and managed to get them to date. But that was like her, attempting the impossible for the people she cared about. That was something that never ceased with her.

Her feelings for him were different than the ones she offered her other teammate. It was to him that she reserved not only special chunk of her heart, but gave all of her heart to him. She constantly gave it to him wholeheartedly, no matter how many times he squashed her hopes. She had said she had loved him, even after he had left them for his selfish needs, and that she'd always remain at his side. Foolishly, he had trusted and relished in that proclamation. But she had broken that promise, for she was there no longer. Now all that remained of her was the empty hole in his heart.

She was never supposed to mean so much to him. He had rid of his feelings towards people when he had been in training with Orochimaru. He always repeated to himself how weak emotions made people; he told himself that his comrades meant nothing to him, though he knew it wasn't true.

He admitted to himself that his male teammate had come to be his best friend, even if he was his worst rival. The blonde had been just as lonely as he had been growing up; they had a mutual understanding of each other. The two of them had been through a lot of experiences together. They had grown close in their short time of knowing each other. He had at first thought of him as a brat, who would always remain weak and useless. But the blonde progressed, proving he could be strong. At first, he had not liked that idea, he was always supposed to be the best out of the two. He had come to terms with it eventually; he needed someone that could give him a challenge. Add this to the fact a best friend was what he needed to obtain Mangekyou Sharingan, the ability that only the strongest of Uchihas could get. But he hadn't been able to do it, to kill someone that meant so much to him. And he didn't regret not killing him either, it would have proven he was just as bad as his brother.

She was also someone who he had come to cherish. Despite her annoying infatuation toward him, she had contributed in breaking his ice barrier he had made that fateful night, what was it, ten years ago already. She was everything he was not, everything he could have been had it not been for his family's massacre. He felt a sense of duty to protect her innocence and bright attitude. But…he had failed her. He couldn't save her. She had died young, and he felt a ping of guilt. It was his fault she had died. If he hadn't…if he only hadn't let her get so close to him, let her come to mean so much to him.

Both of his teammates and their sensei had become his new family, his new important people. But when one of them needed him most, he hadn't been there for her, and she had died because of it. And everyone blamed him for it. Even his best friend did, even though the blonde would never say so, he could tell by looking at his blue eyes. It was as if the blonde had wished that he had died instead of her. And he felt the same way. She needn't had died. And the guilt he carried would live with him as long as he was on this planet. There was nothing he could do to ease the guilt away.

She was gone; nothing could make up for that. He attempted to forget her, but it was impossible, her very essence haunted him to the core. Nothing would ever be the same. Without her, how was he supposed to mend his relationships with his team? No one was there to tell him everything would turn out okay, because it wouldn't be.

Here he was, eighteen years old, his revenge still unaccomplished. That was the only thing that kept him going. The only thing that was worth living for. He clenched his teeth. He had to get around to killing that man, if it was the last thing he'd do. He stopped in mid-step. He shook his head. No, he had more to live for now than just killing Itachi, another reason to go on. That reason was why she had left this world, and he wasn't going to toss it aside as if it were nothing.

She may have been gone, but a part of her would live on. He sighed as he reached his apartment, sliding the door open and removing his shoes.

"Oi, Sasuke."

He looked ahead and nodded at his former sensei that was sitting in a chair, his face buried in Icha Icha Paradise.

"Get your mind off of things?" the gray-haired man asked.

He shook his head. Not even visiting her grave could set him at ease.

The gray-haired man's eyes saddened. "I see."

"How was he?" he questioned flatly eyeing the older man.

The gray-haired man closed his eye gleefully, signaling he was smiling beneath the mask that covered his face. "No trouble at all. I just put him down for his nap."

He looked at the floor. "Arigato, for watching him," he glanced at the older man who just nodded, "I…appreciate it. You can go now, Kakashi."

As Kakashi walked by, the Copy Ninja placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and he shot the elder a glance, and Kakashi slid the door shut and walked out. Just as the door closed, a wail could be heard coming from the other room.

He walked into his room, opening the door as he eyed the mahogany crib placed in the corner of the room. Slowly he sauntered over to peak at the child in the crib, who stared up at him with watering ebony eyes. The infant reached his arms up, waving them frantically, itching to be picked up as he cried his small lungs out.

Reaching into the crib, his arms secured the child as he brought the small bundle up to his chest. As he rocked the child, he walked into the kitchen to grab a bottle from the fridge, grabbed a pot from the cabinet, placing it onto the stove after filling it with water. The child continued to cry, and he had to withhold his temper from lashing out at the infant. Once it was heated, he placed the bottle into the water. After putting a towel on his shoulder he placed the crying child's head onto it. After a few seconds, he grabbed the bottle from the pot. He placed a dab of the formula on his hand, making sure it wasn't too hot. He shut off the stove and drained the pot, setting it beside the sink. Cradling the wailing baby once more, he walked to sit on the chair and placed the bottle in his son's mouth. The child's cries instantly stopped.

A sense of relief fell through him as the baby drank contently. That loud sound got to his nerves, but he would have to deal with it. She was gone, there was no one to help him. As the baby ate, he ran his other hand along the child's mouth softly stroking the small growth of black hair on his head. The child removed his mouth from the bottle and yawned, his eyes fluttering. He placed the child upright, the infant's head on his covered shoulder, as he gently pat his back. As predicted, his child spat up after burping and he wiped the child's mouth with the back of the towel.

He got off the chair and placed the bottle and towel by the sink. As he walked back into his room, he put the child back in his crib. As soon as he backed up, the baby began to bawl once more. Another sigh emitting from him, he picked his child up once more and the cries instantly stopped. Soft ebony eyes stared into hard onyx orbs curiously. The baby gurgled happily.

"What are you so happy about?" he questioned the child harshly. The baby stopped and blinked before breaking into a smile and yawning before continuing his gurgling. His sire's eyes softened at the act of innocence. That was one thing the infant had attained from his mother, the baby wasn't tainted with the cruelty of the world like he was. And he would raise his son right, like she would've wanted him to.

But he still had to kill his brother; his conscience reminded him of this everyday. He couldn't begin to find peace while that man still walked the Earth, living, breathing. No, Itachi needed to be six feet under where the wretched man belonged. He tightened his hold on his child. But how could he do both? How could he be an avenger and a father at the same time?

An avenger was what he was, what he would be until Itachi was taken down with his own two hands. But, as he looked down at the innocent face, he knew this child was his responsibility as well. He owed her that much. But what if Itachi got word of the newborn Uchiha, and decided to drill another hole into his aching heart. He couldn't and wouldn't let that happen. The baby lifted his arm up to him and he latched a finger into the tiny hand. Eagerly, the child took that finger and put it into his mouth.

Ugh, baby slobber. He removed his finger and wiped his fingers onto his pants. As he was about to place his son back into his crib, the child's face scrunched up and tears came to his eyes. The baby just didn't want to be put down. Sighing in frustration, he moved to sit down on the edge of his bed. The baby smiled and looked up with tender eyes.

"Stop looking at me like that," he told the child as if the infant could actually understand him. The boy gurgled once more in response. He glanced at the clock. 6 in the evening. The baby hadn't gotten his regular nap in, so it would be a late night. But he was used to no sleep. Even if he managed to rest, those eyes, those damned jade eyes and that radiant smile and the cotton candy hair would constantly haunt his dreams. But it was the same when he was awake. Either it was the sparkling green eyes, or the accursed red Mangekyou eyes of his brother. When he was awake, however, he could try and concentrate on other things, like taking care of his child and training. It was the routine. There were no missions, Kakashi had stated he was on 'paternity leave.' He had said he didn't need any time, but the elder had insisted that it was best. Normally, ninja parents would take turns raising the child while the other was on a mission, but it was not like that in his case. There was nobody else. So when the child didn't need tending to, he would train as much as he could. He needed to obtain that power, he just didn't know how. It wasn't like he could go back to Orochimaru; Naruto would make sure he wouldn't resort to that, besides he had the child to take care of. He couldn't go anywhere to get stronger, so he had to do it on his own, in his own way.

But his way, whatever it was he still did not know, was taking too long. He took another glance at his child, who was busy blowing bubbles in his mouth. "If you wouldn't have been born, everything would be like it used to," he whispered softly, reminiscing. "Everything would be as it should be."

* * *

He had been in the middle of yet another training session in the forest, practicing his aim on at tree. As he was about to throw yet another kunai, he felt the chakra of another, someone he knew all to well, and he muttered, "What do you want, Naruto?" He glanced at the intruder, who appeared from the bushes. 

The blonde was heaving, and looked up at him with wide eyes. "It's about time I found you, I've been looking everywhere," the Kyuubi container stated.

"And your point of looking for me would be?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Sakura-chan," the blonde male took a deep breath before continuing, "She's having the baby. I just thought you might like to know."

He placed the kunai back into his holster and went to grab the others. "Let's go." He nodded at his comrade as they took their trip back into the heart of the village.

He hadn't expected what he would find out at the hospital. He had stood in the waiting room with his former sensei and teammate for quite a few hours, before the Godaime came out of the room. The woman had her hand on her face, shaking her head slowly. Her brown eyes looked up at them.

"Tsunade-no-baa-chan, how's Sakura-chan?" his blonde friend questioned, seeing the remorse in the Hokage's eyes.

"She-She, there was complications," the Hokage began, her voice full of regret, "There…was nothing we could do to save her."

At this point, the eyes of the two beside him at widened, and he just stood there passively, letting the information soak in. Her apologies fell to deaf ears.

Not believing what he had just been told, he turned on his heel, ready to walk out of there. He had lost another person he cherished; there had been nothing he could do to save her. He told himself it wouldn't happen again, that he wouldn't allow it. But she had still left him. No, his mind kept screaming, she said she'd never leave him, it couldn't be true.

He should have saw it coming. Everyone that got close to him would die on him eventually; the world was just that cruel to him. It was only a matter of time until he was alone again. He couldn't deal with it. There had been too much he had lost already. He had told himself he would never let anyone get that close to him again, so how had they managed to sneak their way into his heart? It was too late, they already meant something to him, they had become his new important people. It was because he had let them get close that he had lost her. He could blame himself for this lose, it was his fault.

Just before he was about to walk down the next hallway, he heard the Hokage tell the others, "It's a boy. It's a boy. He looks just like his father too." He didn't bother to turn around, he just kept walking, wanting to be out of there as soon as possible.

The next day, however, his former sensei had come to his apartment, persuading him to go see the newborn boy. He had refused, stating he had no business there and that the Copy Ninja had no right to tell him what to do. The elder man had simply shook his head, ashamed at his behavior, telling him to at least think it over. Though he was hesitant, once the Copy Ninja had gotten off his case, he went to the hospital on his own free will, something inside of him irking him to go. The hospital attendant in the children ward had placed the child promptly in his arms when he had arrived, showing him how to hold the fragile thing right, telling him to be extremely careful with the baby's head. The nurse had then left, leaving the father and son alone. It was then that he had taken his first look at the small thing that had caused her to leave him. The Hokage had spoken the truth when she said the child looked like him. The baby was a spitting image.

The infant's dark eyes had locked with his own, and he knew then that he had to take responsibility of this new life. She would've wanted, and expected, him to do so, and he certainly wouldn't trust anyone else to raise his heir, the heir to the Uchiha clan. It seemed almost surreal, he hadn't been prepared for such things. He had expected this to come much later on, his revenge coming first and foremost before the resurrection of his clan. But everything seemed to be going exactly the opposite than what he had expected, and this was no different.

He could feel gazes of others staring at him through the window. He glanced at the window to see the Hokage, her other apprentice, his former sensei, his best friend, the Hyuuga heiress, the annoying blonde female that used to be among his many fan girls, the lazy Nara Jounin, and the fuzzy-eyebrowed man. There were others there too, more ninjas of the village that he knew. She had touched all of which in some way or another, and now she was gone. They were looking directly at him with these sad, longing eyes. It was as if they were waiting for something, some sort of action that he would take.

Shifting his gaze to the object in his grasp, he surprised the onlookers by coming out of the room, his child in his arms securely. They looked at him with interest as he turned to the Hokage, who raised an eyebrow at him.

"I know what I want to call him," he told her firmly, "His name, it'll be Seiko, Uchiha Seiko." He had a reason behind that certain name. It was because it was what the child represented, the truth. The truth that his life was changing, and he wasn't sure if he should say it was good or bad.

A few days later was her funeral. Most of the village showed up to bid a mournful farewell to the girl with the beautiful smile and the warm face. He had attended too, sitting in the back of the ceremony with his son placed in his arms. There were a few that didn't think he needed to be there, but his comrades had told him otherwise. He deserved to be there as much, if not more, than most of the villagers did. The blonde male, his and her best friend, had spoken a few words about the girl and her life, how she had given him motivation and that she would always have a place in his heart. Copy Nin Hatake also spoke gracefully of her, as did the Hokage, the young girl being her pupil previously. They all stated she would forever be missed. Even after she was buried under the ground, he had yet to come to terms with the loss. It took awhile before it sunk in, when he realized that he could no longer see the pink head in the crowd, or standing right beside him smiling at him sweetly. That was when the cold hard truth had hit him. She was dead; he couldn't put off not acknowledging it any longer.

* * *

He couldn't really blame the child for her passing. The baby had been the effect, not the cause. It wasn't the child's fault that his mother had complications during birth, those kind of things couldn't be avoided 

It was true, that if the child had never been conceived, then he wouldn't have this responsibility weighing him down. He'd still be able to train harder and prepare for his revenge. He wouldn't have the title father and he'd have nothing holding him down from achieving his goal. It would be like it used to be before the baby. She'd still be alive, her cheery smile touching the lives of the people around her.

But this wasn't how it was. Things had changed. There was no turning back now, what had happened had happened, there was no denying the facts. She was no longer in the world of the living, the Gods would enjoy her presence now.

Yet, he couldn't help but imagine what it could be like if she had lived through the birth. She would be assisting him in raising the baby, watching with him as the boy grew up. She would have been a great mother, she had always been fond of children. He was different. He didn't think he could manage being a good father like every child needed. Not fairing well with childlike antics, he didn't know how to take care of a child. He'd also have to balance being a shinobi along with it. He didn't think it was possible for him to handle it all. Don't get him wrong, he wanted to be the best father he could be, every child deserved that much. He didn't want to turn out like his father, not being there for his own son when he needed him. He didn't want to be a failure of a father.

No, he wanted to watch the boy grow and see what he could become. Being there to give the child encouragement when the boy was having difficulty and being proud of his son when he accomplished the deed. Unfortunately, he knew he wasn't going to be what he wished. He had his faults, too many to count. He was cold, rash, and beyond stubborn. Being an avenger, he found bounds to people weak and pitiful. He wasn't the type of influence a child needed to be around. He couldn't manage to even be a decent friend. However, he was all the child had in this world, so he would need to take a stand. He'd have to change, for the sake of his son, and himself.

No longer hearing gurgles coming from the infant, he looked down to see his son's eyes closed in sleep. A wave of contentment flowed through him as he sent the small body into the crib, placing the blankets to come to his chin. Silence finally filled the home, a rare occasion. Now what was he going to do? He could always use the training, but his body told him otherwise.

Fatigue rushed to him, and he decided to get some rest himself, he could put it off no longer. He didn't wish to succumb to sleep, knowing his dreams would contain images of her and that delicate face and his nightmares would be full of his damned brother, reminding him of his mission. As he laid down in his bed, not bothering to change, he whispered her name, "Sakura." This was his new life now, and he would have to somehow manage to live it without her. There were so many ifs, buts, and maybes, that he knew it wasn't going to be easy, he didn't expect it to be. He didn't know if he could do it, but he had to give it a try.

* * *

_My first one-shot ever is complete! I hope it wasn't all that bad, I worked hard on it for two days. I wanted something more of the angsty genre, and this was the result. I hope Sasuke wasn't too OOC, I tried to make him as realistic as possible. : ) I hope you review to tell me what you thought of it!_

_sasuke fanatic1_


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